Wednesday hump day 23rd March 2022

 It’s been a while since I last wrote to my many followers of none. It doesn’t matter though, it’s to myself to help me reflect. 

I never have much free time to write, so sometimes my posts may seem short and half done, well they are. There always a job to do, a kid to pick up or something. 

It’s been a busy start to the year so far and I can’t believe we are on March. Covid struck just after my Birthday in January which knocked me for 6 for a few days but really there were no dramas. We all got it, the eldest and youngest needed a little calpol to keep them going but really the wife suffered worse with it. Took a good 5/6 weeks before she was back to her usual self. Was very worried at one point but luckily everything was fine. Dad and Mum caught it off us too, just happened that one of the first times in years the kids stopped at their house for the night they gave it to Grandad and Nana Pat. How guilty did I feel! 

Managed to have a couple of days at Norton Grange Spa, one for my birthday and one for the Wife’s. Although I got a lot of stick from the guys at work, it was well needed and enjoyed. Looking forward to the next time. 

Life with PDA and our Autistic son is steady, he’s a bit of a recluse and I feel like a bad dad that I struggle to interact with him. I wish I could get him out of his room more, for his sake and because I miss him. I go in as often as I can, but it’s all gaming and he’s submerging that world no matter how I try and join him it’s all strange. God I miss him. 

Health wise, there was a little kick start to loosing a little weight, managed to keep it off and now actually pushing hard on the bike with The eldest. 10 miles in under an hour! That’s good going - for me anyway. I’ll keep pushing. 

Work is mundane. Although the daily talks with being a service manager differ greatly I’m struggling with the same routine day in and day out. I know everyone does it, but is this really what life is about? 

The eldest and youngest both play in the Oldham Lyceum music youth band and recently performed at the queen Elizabeth Hall in Oldham, talk about being a proud Dad! There were loads watching, grandparents from both sides came to watch it was brilliant. I can’t believe how good they are. I just hope one day the appreciate the skill they have and continue to use it. I wish I had done something like that. 

Both parents evening for W and J were amazing. Both kids are doing so well at school, definitely don’t get it from me. Coupled with head teachers awards and stuff, not boasting but I have some amazing model kids. 

The wife is managing to do a lot of overtime at the minute. Although we need the money and I’m very greatful but I do miss her. I can’t do over time but I now feel guilty of not working so I’m finding myself aimlessly wondering round the house looking for jobs or something to do. I can’t go and talk to her as she’s concentrating. It’s a strange time, but I don’t know why, I need to try and focus on something - oh like writing this. 

Sitting here wonder why I’m writing this and what do I put, I guess it’s a sense of expression, I keep so much bottled up and I regularly conform to others wants wishes and needs I seldom look at myself or truly express my feelings. I love tried to explain to the wife but I sometimes get “well what do you want” in truth, I’ve no idea, who am I, what’s my purpose, what are my enjoyments likes or dislikes? I have them, I do, but life and other priorities are far more important that I just suppress it/them. Then I feel guilty, that I actually think I want something else other than the richness of life around me, kids loving wife, all the material aspects that we have worked for. So what do I want, why do I have this, how to explain, emptiness inside, a desire for something that I can’t quite put my finger on. 

Tomorrow is another day, I’ve enjoyed writing this to you, so I hope to keep it up, almost like a diary. A public one lol and maybe one day someone will read it, relate and maybe even give them assurances that what they are going to through are similar and that they are not alone. Or it’s crap and I will be publicly ridiculed. 

So for now, sleep well night night!!